Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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