He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
