The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
