i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
