i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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