Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
