I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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