What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
