Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
