ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
