i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
