Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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