Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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