i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
