mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
