Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
