I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
