I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
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