next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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