puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
