Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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