the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
why do cheetos always look like penises
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
false alarm, still single
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
