you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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