Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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