allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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