we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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