i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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