You can't motorboat a personality
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
