i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I think I just shit out all my problems.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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