Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
