so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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