You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
