i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
so much tequila, so little girl.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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