dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
