We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
