i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
