I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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