I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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