I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
