I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
