I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
