Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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