Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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