I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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