Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
