dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
