A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
