I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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