In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
