If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
