I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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