Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
