they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
