saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
