I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
