wanna go halves on a baby?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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