so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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