My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
