dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
