Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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