I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
