i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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